from a distance and says with caution "this guy
looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the
lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's
about to run he sees some bones next to him
and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that
was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly
stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher
then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over
by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can
benefit from this situation by telling the lion and
getting something in return. So the monkey
proceeds to tell the lion what really happened
and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll
get him together". So they start rushing back to
the dog. The dog sees them and realized what
happened and starts to panic even more. He
then gets another idea and shouts "where the
**** is that monkey! I told him to bring me
another lion an hour ago!!..
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.......................
" F u c k - o f f " she said, "they're for the funeral”
"I can't believe this!" she screamed, "We've been together for five years and you didn't think to tell me?"
"I knew it would upset you, So I just didn't say anything."
"How long have you been married for then?" she asked.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there...
"Do you really talk"...? He asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies...
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story"...
The Labrador looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Army.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at airports to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired"...
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog...
"Ten bucks," the owner says...
"$10...? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply"...?
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden"
I suddenly realized there is a shit ton of gynaecologists out there driving around without their bumper sticker on!
After some furious but careful digging, they stopped and they heard a faint Irish voice shout "Help! Fecking help me!"
The rescuers shouted "Where are you?"
Paddy shouts "Room 236."
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot couldn't hold back any longer and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fukking ship?"
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